why should i even care? its not like you're so special

top 12 songs..

Ten Truths about me:

1.       I care too much about what people think of me.

2.       God is the one thing in life I need to keep me going <3

3.       I dwell too much on the past

4.       I hate when people touch my toes!

5.       I'm afraid to reach out and take what I need the most and afraid that if I don't I could miss my chance

6.       It KILLS me to let other people read my writing! That's why I don't post very often...haha :D

7.      I know too many secrets about too many people

8.       I still haven’t gotten my first kiss.

9.      I love to relive good memories :)

10. Sometimes I wish I could go back to being a kid, when life was simple

that everyone could stand to learn something from Kaitlin. :) She's making a big descision in her life, to abstain from so many things that seem to rule over our lives nowadays, while so many others are taking the easy way out and conforming to them. To say that your straight edge takes a big person...I admire her.

I'm so sick of hearing about people that I know who got drunk here or high there...I mean they're people that I know and respect, and  I hear about them doing that? It can change the way that you look at someone. At the beginning of my freshman year, I knew that I was going to be hanging around a lot of kids who were older than me, some who were already considered adults by law. I knew that at some point in my future, I was going to have to deal with being offered the option of drugs, sex and alcohol. But I had no idea that it would happen so soon! Sure, I'm fifteen but I'm still a kid. I know about things that people, some who are in MY class and are MY age, have done and I'd like to say that I'm shocked, but that's not true. Its happening so often that its just normal now. Even though I knew I was going to be faced with things like this, I'm sad to say that I had myself shut into a bubble, hoping to keep my world the same as it has always been.

But thats only the beginning. Already this year I have been offered drugs, a chance to sneak out to a rave and had to help a friend deal with roomates who brought alcohol on a school trip. Imagine? And I've been in high school for how long?.....7 months? Already I've had so many times that I could've began that path that everyone else seems to be walking down....and I'm so tired of it! Not only because of the facts that most of its illegal, but because my parents expect better from me, my true friends expect better form me, I expect better of myself and most importanly God expects better from me. I know that sometimes its only one drink, or one time, or one puff...but that can lead to more and thats a risk I'm not willing to take. I don't want to ruin the life my parents have worked so hard to give me, or the future that I want to have by being the girl who got pregnant at sixteen, the drunk driver who killed a family of four or the girl whose family had to put her into rehab. Even though it can start out something small it can turn into something too big to handle.

I know that I sound kind of preachy and that I'm looking at the extreme side of my opinion but the fact is that this is what all of these things can lead to. I don't want to give in to peer pressure because sometimes the actions we take have severe consequences, despite the amount of control we think we have over them. Yes, I know that their are some people who do only have a beer every now and  then, and some who roll only when their at parties. But there's that chance that it can turn into something more and then its going to affect your life a lot longer than "every now and then" .

I'm so sick of trying to define us.

I'm just going to let it go

and see what happens.

One day we might cross the boundryline that so many seem to think we have

or we may not.

Either way, I can still be happy.

But I just wish I knew for sure what we were meant to be...

what we are or something more?

But not having to worry about us being something more

is pretty comforting.

Its easier, less stressful and more fun

to concentrate on what we have going

then having to figure out what we should have going.

Underneath it all though

I get the feeling that maybe its inevitable...

I feel like one day we will be confronted with a choice.

A big, scary one that one or both of us is going to have to make.

Perhaps one that we're already considering right now,

one that we've been hurtling toward since we began.

But I would rather sit here and wait for time tell us whats truly meant to be,

than hurry and let our unaccurate feelings ruin us.

In the end

I know that at the end of the road,

whichever road we've chosesen,

is okay with me

as long as I still have you there with me.

It doesn't really matter why your're there

as long as you care enought to be there.

I wish

I could fell the way I do

when it's nine in the afternoon.

Nothing to worry about.

I could just live and enjoy some peace.

I don't want to go back to the street

where I began.

I want to stay in my room

where it's nine in the afternoon.

Anyone want to join me? =D

It seems like a good idea....who wouldn't want to feel the way that they do at "Nine in the Afternoon"; how you are when your at your happiest. Where you can go to escape the real world for a while, and just sit and think. No school, no worries, no nothing.

I guess that's why we have music. And our own rooms :]

Some things I'll never know..

and I had to let them go.

But I'm afraid to let go

and even more afraid to reach for them.

But if I don't do either,

where will that lead me?

Exactly where I already am.

And where am I?

I'm not even sure I know.

I think one thing

but then I second guess myself.

So now I'm stuck.

Suck in the middle

of my doubts

and my wants.

And as of now

my doubts are winning.

Becuase what if

I want the wrong thing

and I ruin

one of the best things

I have going?

I would rather stay here

surrounded by my doubts

then be surrounded

by regrets.

Now I have to decide

what's worse:

not knowing what should happen

or not making it happen.

My friend posted this on Myspace . Thought it was pretty cool. I think I'm gonna do it....Anyone want to join me?

ON Feb 13th, 2008 We are physically writing the word LOVE on our arms. It is a symbol of spreading love and fighting teen depression. Read the rest below for explanation. It is really cool so spread it around. It is sponsored by To Write Love On Her Arms, an organization attempting to battle the epidemic of depression spreading throughout the United States.

Visit their myspace, their facebook, and their homepage. I am very excited for and fire up about this event and this group. I truly believe that they are starting something great.

Please Read Below!
http://fullerton.facebook.com/event.php?eid=7693997482
The truth is that according to the World Health Organization, depression is one of the leading causes of disability, with approximately 121 million people suffering with depression worldwide. The National Institute of Mental Health states that approximately 18 million people suffer from depression in America alone. Depression does not discriminate across age, race, gender, or class. Among teenagers it is estimated that 20 percent will suffer from depression at some point by the time they reach adulthood. There are also as many as 8.3 percent of teens suffering from depression for at least a year at a time, compared to 5.3 percent of the general population.

With the support of TWLOHA (To Write Love On Her Arms), an organization created to spread awareness for teen depression, self-injury, and suicide, we are coming together to make sure the whole world knows. To find out more about TWLOHA visit their Facebook Group here: http://www.facebook.com/pages/To-Write-Love-On-Her-Arms/8529136956.

On the day before Valentine’s Day (Feb 13) – the day with the highest number of suicides, and a day when many people feel most unloved – we will physically write the word LOVE on our arms (with a sharpie, or whatever other ink suits you best). If someone asks you what it’s for, tell them about TWLOHA. Tell them they are loved, that they are important. And ask if you can write LOVE on their arm as a symbol of that.

There is NO set time, there is NO set location. Where you are, when you are there, speak out.

Some of us may choose to share the love of God, but we want you to share whatever love is strongest for you. Depression has no boundaries, but neither does our love.

Stop the bleeding. Rescue is possible.

"Somewhere between all our laughs, long talks, stupid little fights, and all our jokes, I fell in love."  He stared down at the piece of paper he held in his hand for what seemed like an eternity. Memories with her came flooding back to him within seconds, ones that he had tried to bury over the long years.

Dances.

Laughing.

Late night phone calls.

Movies.

They had never been anything more than friends, maybe the best of friends, but never anything more. He had met her freshman year, and within a few months she became like a sister to him. Maybe there was something more, but he just told himself that it was nothing, she didn't feel the same way, it would mess up their friendship.

Over the years he watched her go to dances, dates, parties with other guys, guys that weren't him. He even talked her through the tears and the hurt of a few broken hearts. And as each year went by he kept telling himself that the risk was greater than the outcome. Fear kept supressing the feelings that were slowly growing for her.

Time was running out....he knew that before long, she would find someone special. Someone special who could take everything he wanted away.

writer's note: Em gave me the inspiration for this after I read the blog she wrote. :] Just something that came to me...

Ugh. I must be gettting writers block or something like that. Seriously. I went back to reread my fanfic that I'd written, then decided that I hated it. Part 1 was okay, but the next few ones that I'd written didn't sound right...that's why I haven't posted in a while. Good news: I am starting to get some good ideas, so you might have a new one to read soon....

Ahhh...camp was amazing! I had the best time there! Everything wasso peaceful and calm there, and I didn't have anything to worry about, excet maybe waking up early. LoL. We had a concert on Monday night, and that's where CJ and I bought our shirts that we're wearing in our twins pic. In Karissa's words....we got to 'party like rockstars'. Yeah right at church camp...I'm not that corrupt!

Then there was open mic night, where Holland and CJ performed 'What I've Been Looking For' from High School Musical. KP, who was part of the staff, was conviced that CJ looked just like Zac Efron! So for the show KP hooked up her iPod to the speakers to play the song. They were pretty good and they had barely started practicing it before they went on stage. I filmed them while they were on stage, so I'll probably be postng that soon.

Oooh and then there was beach day which ROCKED! We got to make smores, swim, lay out, and play in the sand! :) Since we were staying there pretty late, we held worship and our evening services there. Standing there and singing with the sun setting and listening to the ocean's waves was so amazing. But the best part of camp was on the night that Holland and I and a whole bunch odf other people rededicated our lives to God. We both realized there were some anges we needed to make and when our speaker Jason started talking about what we needed to do and how to start, we took the chance. You should've seen us crying! Haha. While I was there, I got so much closer to everyone from youth group, especially Holland. I only knew her for a few days and she became one of my good friends. We even shared my bunk for a night! I think it was probably because we went through our rededication together. Whatever the reason, I'm glad it happened!

Anyways, I have a whole lot more stories, but I'll finsih them up later. Ta ta.

I know I posted earlier that I was going to be gone, but I came for a last minute visit at my dad's hous. That means a working computer. Yay!

So today I put up the first part of my fanfic. I'm already working on the second and third parts, which I will post when I get back from camp. By then my computer at home is supposed to be fixed.

Another fun thing I did today: went to a barbeque at Sara's house. You know, I probably spend more time at her house then I do at my own...Ooops. I don't think that's a good thing. Ugh, I'm gonna miss her and Vanessa like crazy while I'm gone at camp. I've been seeing v at least once a week and sara two or three times since summer started. At least we can wrtite letters. Speaking of camp... I'm so excited! Even though I will miss everyone, a week away from the rest of the world sounds good. I can just relax and hang with Dayna and Karissa. I mean, what can go wrong at church camp??? I just hope that there isn't any major drama while were there. That always tends to happen to us when we go places. Prime example: Astro Camp. Em and I both had a heck of a time while we were there. But I really don't want to think about that. Blah.

In other news: for your entertainment, Elise and I have both posted a video which you will find on our homepages. I have the Santi bonus dvd and the butcher and sisky do a little lip-synching at the end. We decided to give it a shot. I'm not sure if we did it as well as they did, but I;d say we got preeetty close. :) Anyways, I guess that's all for now. Nighty night!

Song of the day: "Ask me" by Morissey

"Open it, open it, OPEN IT!" shouted my best friend Shannon. She was bouncing up and down impatiently on the couch we'd placed in our apartment.                                                                        
"Okay, okay! Give me a second." I said my voice shaking with nervousness. I stared at the magazine in my lap, and felt my chest tighten. Inside this copy of Alternative Press Magazine was our official debut as a photographer/writer team. I knew that if this went well, we'd be given more jobs like this to do. On the other hand, though I preffered not to think about it, if we failed, our articles would be demoted back to two inch paragraphs on "What Happens When You Wear Jewlery In Mosh Pits". I shuddered at the thought.

"OPEN IT SCHUYLER OF I'LL DO IT FOR YOU!" Shannon screeched threatningly. Taking a deep breath, I opened the magazine and flipped through the contents. And then, on page fifty-four, we saw it. It took up a whole page; the article we'd co-written was right below the picture that Shannon had taken. It was titled "Paramore: They Never Meant To Brag...But They've Earned That Right" after the song that they'd won their VMA for, "Misery Business". Leaning forward, Shannon stared at the pages that lay open in my lap. We were both completely silent for a good minute before we started screaming uncontollably.

"Give it a rest!" we heard our annoyingly old neighbor Mrs. Carter sream, which she probably did at least four times a week. Today though, Shannon and I ignored her and continued jumping around and screaming. We figure we had earned that right.



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A few hours later, after we had reread the article several times and almost lost our voices, we sat peacefully eating leftover spaghetti and wondering what the editor was going to say. Suddenly, we heard a loud knock at the door, so I dragged myself out of my chair and went to answer it.

"Congratulations on the article!!!!" yelled Devon, one of the guys that rented the apartment next to ours. He hurtled toward me and enveloped me in a hug that almost knocked me over.

"Thanks," I said gasping for air," but I can't breathe!" He let go and grinned at me, making me blush. I looked behind him and noticed his rommate, Jake, standing in the hallway with flowers.

"For me?" I said with mock surprise.

"Are you kidding? Why would I buy you flowers?" Jake asked me, leaning forward to hug me and hand me my bouqet.

"Very funny." I said sticking my toungue out at him. They both stepped into the apartment and we walked into the kitchen where Shannon was still sitting.

"Hey guys!" Shannon cried. She jumped out of her chair and went to hug them. I watched her exclaim over her flowers and I thought back to the first day we had met Devon and Jake. Almost five months ago, we had been bringing up boxes into our apartment, when we heard a knock at the door much like tonight. When I opened the door, there stood Devon nd Jake with welcoming smiles and an invitation to join them for dinner. Although we were a bit skeptical at first, since we didn't know them, we agreed after deciding we'd be safe in a public place. After that night, they became our best friends, sometimes spending all day i neach others apartments watching movies, or playing board games. It became clear to me though, after a few weeks, that my feeling for Devon went past being 'just friends'. Only Shannon knew about this, although I had a feeling Jake suspected. I sighed, knowing full well that Devon only thought of me as a friend. I pulled myself out of my thoughts and joined in on the celebrations.



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"What do you think he's going to say?" I whispered to Shannon as we sat nervously waiting for the editor in chief, John Martin, to walk in. It was the day after we had seen our article in AP and we'd been summoned to the his office.

"I don't know." she said biting her lip. We were both startled a second later when the door opened and John walked in.

"Hello girls," he said sitting down at his desk.

"Hello," came our simultaneous reply.

"I can see that you are both pretty nervous, so I'll cut to the chase," he said smiling at our anxious faces. " You article was excellent. Covered every base and the picture was of great quality." He paused and the continued on," This morning I recieved a call from Pete Wentz." At this point, I heard Shannon take a sharp intake of breath." He was calling about the Decaydance tour that's coming up. They have been looking for a team to cover the tour. After you interviewed Paramore, Hayley Williams went straight to Pete and said that you were the ones to do the job, and once he read the article he agreed.You would be writing behind-the-scenes pieces, reviews on shows, interviews with fans and perfomers and anything else you can think of. The series will appear in AP."

"So...Pete want us to cover the Dacaydance tour. All of it." I said slowly, still trying to work out what he had just said. "That would mean that we would have to go on tour with them, right?"

"Yes, that was going to be my next point. I know it's a lot to ask of you, as far as the touring goes, but this isn't something you get offered everyday. What do you say?" John said. For a few seconds, I just sat there, my enitre body numb.My brain kept repeating his sentance like a broken record. This was the chance of a lifetime, both Shannon and I knew that. There was only one thing we could say to him and.

"Yes!" we said in unision grinning at each other. John went on more to explain about our assignments and what cities we would be traveling to. We would be leaving in a week to play our first show at the Honda Civic Center in Anaheim. As we rose to leave, John said to us,"Oh, I forgot. Pete mentioned that they weren't going to give you your own bus, since it would be easier if you squeezed in with someone.. He told me you'd be sharing a larger bus with...hang on." There was a pause and we heard paper being shuffled. "Oh. Here we go. Its going to be The Academy Is... ."

Writer's Note: Pleeaase comment. :) I'm not entirely sure what I'm doing here, so I need some feedback!

Hey guys. I know i havent gotten on in a few days, but im going to be gone awhile longer. Im going to be back at home which means that im stuck with a computer that doesnt have internet and is slower even than a dial up connection. lol. plus im going to church camp from the 29th to the 3rd so computer access is out of the question there.

In other news, im sure you'll see that i have posted a new video and are probably laughin at me. Well i dont blame you. after elise and i made the video we laughed pretty hard at ourselves. anyways, i was also thinking about writing a fan fic....i have a vauge concept of what the story line might be. not sure yet more news on that later. (if i do write one though it probably wont be posted for awhile.)

So, its good bye until my computer gets fixed or i have access to a working one. (pretty much everyother one but mine...lol) asta la vista baby!

song of the day: "we've got a big mess on our hands" by the academy is... for obvious reasons. :)